You remember Gossard, don’t you readers? They’re the brand that after coming under fire for appallingly incomplete and misleading fit advice performed a hopelessly flawed and uncontrolled ‘test’ on fitting methods and concluded their one was the best.

Well, who am I to argue with that kind of science? If they’re sure their fitting advice is scientifically *cough cough* proven to be better than one based on no calculators and actual good fit practices, then I’ll default to their superior knowledge. After all, they make these bras. They must know how they fit.

So before ordering a Gossard EgoBoost (bastion of female empowerment The Sun’s push-up bra of the year, don’t you know…) I grabbed a tape measure and quickly ran my vital statistics through Gossard’s bra calculator to make sure I was going to get the best fit.

Now while this seemed fishy to me at first, Gossard’s small print says this is most accurate between sizes ‘A-DD’. Only women above a DD should check with an in store fitter. I’m in range, so I added to my Figleaves basket and waited for my ego to be boosted. I like to call my stubborn disregard for logic here “Gossard PR Style”.

What can I say? One week later and I can confirm that Gossard’s EgoBoost is possibly the worst bra I have ever reviewed. The heavily padded cups are small and, it almosts seems, entirely in the wrong position. At the side, the wire tracks in to the side of my breast and causes spillage so wide I couldn’t button my shirt couldn’t fit properly. In the middle it’s a similar story, with the wires resting on my breast tissue and smooshing them down. Try as I might to jiggle everything in I couldn’t fix this, and as I moved very quickly my back band was riding up and I could feel my boobs being pressed down against the ribs below.

But whatever, right? This is EgoBoost, not ComfortBoost. Maybe she’s not about the support – maybe she’s one of those bras that never leaves the bedroom. Except (and here I was genuinely surprised) the cleavage was lame. I tightened the straps fully to try and get the right lift, but nothing. So much of my breast was being squished out sidewards and downwards that there was nothing to go up. When I tried tucking everything towards the middle I got something approaching the advertised cleavage, but it didn’t take long for gravity to undo it all.

This bra is so bad, it’s almost as if I’m wearing it in completely the wrong size. But looking through Gossard’s website, it’s clear this is how the EgoBoost is supposed to look. Gossard’s bras aren’t supposed to sit flat against your chest or effortlessly lift your bust skywards. They are designed to smoosh your boobs in to an approximation of a Sun newspaper worthy spread, and then it’s up to you to stay completely still and use carefully applied bronzer and PhotoShopping to get the advertised result. Baffling. EgoBoost? I’m not sure how low my self-esteem would have to be to need a pick-me-up from this.

For a truly decent push up bra from a company who does give a crap how it fits, check out Freya’s Deco collection.