So readers may remember me mentioning last year that I’d gotten in to a bit of a lingerie funk and I needed to get out of it. Well, I’m totally getting round to that. Except… well, I got distracted by a bikini first. As I write, heavy winds are blowing rain inside through the walls but goddam it I can hug a radiator and pretend I’m in Mexico.
I’ve always had a bit of a Minnie Mouse fixation, and so this Monroe halter bikini from Figleaves’ own Midnight Grace had me at first sight… even before I’d clocked the amazing high-waisted matching bottoms. This was my bikini! This was my year!
Well, almost. Underwired, padded and very structured the Monroe should – on paper – be a great and supportive bikini. But something has gone very wrong. The cups are a very strange shape: virtually flattened on the side – and so there’s just no room for your boobs. Speaking of Minnie Mouse, my boobs were pressed in to giant Disney mouse ears, balancing precariously over a misshapen and unsteady cup. My chest looked mangled. My face looked extremely disappointed.
It’s a great style and the bottoms are amazing, but the fit is all over the shop. Actually, the photo itself should have given me a clue: look closely at the top picture and at just how much retouching has gone in to make that cleavage look ‘normal’ when the centre gore is sitting away from the body and to one side!
My 30G felt more like a 30F, maybe even 30E – so consider sizing up (way up) if you want to try it out. We’re heading in to a whole new season for swimwear though… much better to wait for something more special to come along.
Images borrowed from Figleaves.