It’s Christmas (get out! For real?) and if you’re anything like me your work and social life is festively escalating to the diary equivalent of the climax in Die Hard. Christmas shopping? Er, can I just wrap the thought?
Lingerie can be a great and easy gift for a partner to give (not least because, like all the best gifts, it keeps giving – and often back to the giver), but it’s also an emotional and mental minefield that can erupt a perfectly lovely Christmas morning in to one of relationship doom. Or quiet disappointment. It depends on the girl.
So in the spirit of good will – and to compensate for my many entries on to 2012’s naughty list – I wrote this survival guide to getting it right. Feel free to forward it to any Santas you know who may be venturing out in to the cold……
1: Get the size right!
Yes, bra sizes are tricky but – here’s a secret – they’re written on every label on every bra. While she’s in the shower, grab her favourite bra from the drawer/floor/kitchen table (if she’s a lingerie blogger), make a note of the size, and feel like Columbo for a moment before selecting the right bra. Do NOT try and work this out using comparatively sized fruit and/or the sales assistant for reference. Trust me.
If she doesn’t have a favourite bra, or if she routinely tears her bra away from her body with the hellish discomfort of it all, you can make her happier by giving her vouchers for lingerie and a fitting from a good lingerie boutique instead. A fit overhaul is nothing short of life changing. Plus, delayed gratification is good for you.
2: Stick to what you know she loves
You may enjoy nipple tassels/crotchless knickers/epic frills/box fresh three-for-two white cotton panties from M&S but that doesn’t mean that she does. Remember this is a present for her. Receiving lingerie you hate because your partner thinks you’d look sexy in it is a sure fire way to feel like your partner doesn’t know you at all, or that they know you but that ‘you’ is not good enough.
A good way to avoid this is to imagine your partner wearing the lingerie. Got it? Good right? Now look up – at her face. Is she happy? Or does she look like she couldn’t be less sure of herself if she were trying it on in front of your entire family? If you’re not pretty sure she’d pick it herself, or she hasn’t mentioned that she’d like to try it, show due caution. Put out some feelers. Check her lingerie drawer. Look at her Pinterest. Don’t assume because she read 50 Shades of Grey on holiday that all she wants for Christmas is a lace thong and riding crop.
3: Keep it smooth
Feel the fabric. Would you wear it? Not in the personal style sense – that’s your business – but in the ‘would I want this near my delicate bits’ way. Poor quality lingerie is worse than no lingerie. Steer away from stuff that itches, stuff that feels so static-inducing you’re practically a dry hump away from being a human Van de Graaff generator, and stuff that feels unpleasantly artificial – especially in the bottoms. Nothing says ‘Bad Santa’ like synthetic crotch induced thrush. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…
4. Keep the receipt
Just in case, eh?
Go forth, brave santas. And merry Christmas shopping to you all.