*NB. Probably not a miracle.
Sometimes, I read things that make me furious. Others, just make me roll my eyes until they’re loose in my head. This ‘news’, about Michelle Mone/Ultimo’s latest product, provoked the latter.
I don’t really get Michelle Mone. She jumps on the ‘real women’ bandwagon with a customer model campaign that promotes shape and age diversity (ish) one minute, and then the next she’s releasing expensive potions promising to magically reduce bra sizes in a matter of weeks.
Theory 1: Michelle Mone actually doesn’t give a crap about promoting healthy body image.
£40 seems quite cheap for something that claims to be an alternative to expensive breast reduction surgery – I can see how it would appeal to someone unhappy with their curves. But for my money, £40 is rather a lot for something that has not been proven in clinical trials (the only results are anecdotal, from her friends), and is pedalled by a so called ‘lingerie guru’ who doesn’t seem to understand that breasts are an incredibly complex organ made of a number of different internal tissues, and are therefore unlikely to materially melt away in a slick of herbal extracts. They are breasts, not sugarcubes. No wonder Ultimo bras are so damn uncomfortable.
Theory 2: Moisturising your boobs with anything every day may make sagging skin look firmer (as with your face – read Bad Science by Ben Goldacre for a very interesting chapter on skincare). But I’d rather spend £5 on a moisturiser from a skincare brand not set on insulting my intelligence than give any of my hard earned cash to Ultimo.
Theory 3: For the appearance of smaller boobs, why not try a correctly fitting bra? I dropped a dress size when I went from a 34E to a 30G, and I haven’t wished my boobs smaller since. Reconsider your fit, and learn to love your body for what it is – an real life, manifest, conscious, living miracle. Although perhaps not in a bra made/fitted by Ultimo.