I didn’t ever want to be a princess. I wanted to be (in no particular order) an astronaut, a paleontologist, a writer, a marine biologist, a politician, a spy, an actress, and – very briefly – a fireman. Princess wouldn’t have made the top hundred.
Still, since I’ve read so many ridiculous articles about how every girl my age is mourning the lost chance to be a princess, and as nearly every lingerie retailer has wedding underwear fever, I thought I’d sieze the opportunity for a lingerie based daydream. If I were getting married, and if money – and fit; I’d immediately appoint a Royal seamstress – were no object at all: what underwear might I be able to get for the big day?
As a Tippex-coloured woman I’ve never been much of a fan of white or cream lingerie, but if I’m surrendering to tradition these amazingly bonkers, appropriately named ‘Tie Me Down’ knickers from Harlette are perfect for a roomy wedding dress. The pom poms would be a great treat for the bridal suite, with the added benefit of a keep-em-guessing surprise for any drunk guests attempting to catch an inappropriate feel of the bride on the dancefloor. The matching minuscule halter bra would need customising (and trebling in size, with added underwire), but I’m sure my Royal Seamstress will be more than equipped for the task. They’re so totally fantastical: what better for a princess on her wedding day?
I love the Agent Provocateur website and frequently waste tea breaks trying to will my size in to their existence. My gorgeous black and pink Fifi is the only 34E relic I have in my lingerie drawer, and in spite of its imperfect fit I struggle to imagine ever giving it up. I love the beautiful simplicity of Fenella, and it would work well beneath a more streamlined dress. It also goes up to an F cup, which isn’t too bad a fit on a 32 for me either… Hmmm… *hides credit card, closes all browser tabs immediately*.
But, since I’m almost the queen now, why stick to bridal lingerie at all? If I had all of the Royal resources at my disposal, I could get something much more extraordinary for my special day. I’ve loved this one-of-a-kind, made for charity Nerida Fraiman customised bra for months now. I wonder if Fraiman would take a commission…
Should I ever get married, I suspect I’d be perilously likely to let lingerie overtake everything else in the budget.
But what for Ms Middleton, and the endless speculation about her bridal lingerie choices? Let’s see. She’s about to give up her freedom to become bound by the rules of an old, traditional and stiff institution arguably anachronistic to the rest of the world. If I really were Kate Middleton today, I probably wouldn’t wear underwear at all.
Happy holidays UK readers! x